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Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Add a Word

If you've visited my blog in the past, you'll note that my description has changed by one word - Wife.

I've been, until now, 'Believer, Mother, Friend, Author, Poet.' On January 30th, for the 2nd time in 16 years, I added the word Wife to the line-up.

It's a word that's long overdue. And a word that, perhaps, I've only recently begun to understand. Even in my first go at the job, I didn't have it quite figured out. And at 20 - we don't tend to have most things quite figured out. But who can tell us that?

I am, and my job as Wife is, still very much a work in progress. Looking at my other descriptors, though, I'm still growing and evolving in all areas listed.

As a Believer - I've committed to a particular church and give of my time and my talent when I can. I study the Scripture more often than I had at other times in my life. I suppose marrying a pastor has had a profound impact on all of the above. Having said that - folks who know me - know that I'm doing the things I WANT to do and that I am growing at a pace that is comfortable for me.

As a Mother - My daughters are now 11, 13 & 15. My husband has two boys - ages 5 & 6. The girls challenge me to remember being a teenager; to remember how challenging and awkward and unforgiving those years can be. They remind me that just because you're an authority, doesn't always make you right; and when I'm wrong - I'm learning to admit it. (But I HATE to be wrong.) I'm reminded that we are all individuals and the things that work for some of us - don't work at all for others of us. As for the boys - whew! That's a whole other ballgame. We are only with one son full time - he's 5. I remember my girls at 5: hyper, precocious, inquisitive, loquatious. And he is all of those things. And yet, the little extra bit of testosterone changes the equation. He's slightly more fearless than I remember the girls being at his age. He takes more risks. Sometimes it's my heart that can't take it. Sometimes it's my mind. And sometimes, it's his fearlessness that makes him wonderful to watch. Each of them push me to love more aggressively and to love equally and differently all at once.

As a Friend - I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to appreciate people where they are and also recognize that I can't always be where they are with them. Sometimes, it's better to walk away. I am learning to accept help when it's offered and say thank you more often. I have been a better friend to some folks than they have been to me. It's a blessing and a curse that I have carried with me from adolescence. That statement does not mean that now I will become less of a friend. It means that I will place a higher expectation on the people I allow to wear that badge.

As an Author/Poet - In December 2007, I publised a book of poetry called "Freedom's Verse." Most of the poems in the book were written well before December 2007. Before that, I published a novel entitled, "The Puzzle." That feels like a lifetime ago. And in many respects, it was. For a while, I'd lost my desire to write, so even the projects that I began felt like work and writing had always been a passion and had never felt like work. So I walked away for a while. I stopped journaling and blogging and writing poetry - almost forgot how to do it - began to develop gift atrophy. I feel a few projects brewing inside: a poem with only two lines, a book I started long ago, another blog that perhaps will write itself tomorrow - my heart is beating again. It's hard work to recover from a coma. But at least now my eyes are open and I'm making audible sounds.


As for where this blog began: As a Wife - I am learning to trust - not in the sense that I believe my husband will be faithful (although I trust that too.) I am learning to trust that someone else can have the same good intentions for me that I have for myself, that someone else is capable of looking out for my best interest, that someone else can make decisions that affect me and my daughters and it will be okay. I am learning to be transparent in my feelings and my fears. None of this is easy for me. I am learning to not only do the things that are expected, but a few unexpected things too. Although I'm not so easily swayed, I am also learning that there are other points of view beyond my own. Marriage has reinforced the idea for me that small things matter: small kindnesses, early morning kisses, hot meals, midday phone calls - all matter.

Here I sit, Tracie Jae, 'Believer, Wife, Mother, Friend, Author, Poet' - a work in progress.

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