Sunday, November 30, 2008

Some Days

Some days I'm so in love it hurts. . . my eyes are crossed, I can't see straight
Some days the line blurs between who I've been, who I am and who I'm becoming
Those people don't feel like me.

This girl, with all her impulses to do right
This girl, who just wants to be helpful
This girl, who holds on to the last breath . . . . not realizing she might be turning blue.

Some days the urge is to build the wall
Some days the urge is to tear the wall down - barehanded - bruised - bleeding

Some days she can't let the love in
Because then she'll have to feel it
And sometimes feeling doesn't feel good at all

Somedays she walks backward
Along the path she made
And sees how far she's come

And some days
She stands completely still
Starring at the road ahead
Realizing how far there is to go

This girl . . . playing dress up in mother's shoes
This girl . . . wanting to be grown
This girl . . . saying bedtime prayers on her knees

Some days this girl knows . . . that she's not a girl anymore
And some days this woman wishes that she was.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Here Am I. Send me!

Isaiah 6: 5-8

5.
"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."
6.
Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar.
7.
With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."
8.
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"


It seems that wherever I am, I am needed. It seems that I've arrived at just the right time to help; to get whatever place, whatever company, whatever cause - to the next level. For a while I wondered what it was about me that created that presence. Now I know, it's bigger than that.

I have an Isaiah spirit. I am sendable. I don't know if I've ever said it to God outloud or in prayer, but I've definitely opened myself up to His direction. Often I don't know how or why I wound up in a particular place. Not that I'm lost or anything. It's just that I have had an odd set of experiences for a person who is only 35.

Most recently, the event that occured that I found strange was that (through a temp agency) I went to work for a large, prominent church in Downtown Houston. I was sent here at a time in my life when I really needed some stability and I really needed to be around people who know how to love. What I didn't know was that, in addition to possibly saving my life, I would be gaining many skills that I would need for the next phase in my journey.

I met a man - who'd a thunk? Through my association and then relationship with this man, I became part of a new church plant (a start-up church). And to add to that, this man (my man) is on the track to become an Ordained Minister (already a local pastor). I've learned a lot about the business of running a church. It's been useful. Hopefully this will all pay off.

I'm interested in seeing where I will be sent next and in what way I will be able to serve God by serving others.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Ordered Steps

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

I have asked God to please order my steps. I've asked on countless occasions in the last 6-9 months. What I failed to do, though, was 1) be still and listen to His instructions and 2) actually let Him do that. That was true until about 2 weeks ago.

Since February 2, I've dated a really wonderful man. And since February 3, I've known that I did not ever want to date anyone else. It felt, at the same time, completely natural and altogether frightening. But I'd heard God's voice loudly - not as a whisper; as a shout. This was the man He was preparing me for. And meanwhile, He was preparing this man for me. It's hard to ignore God when He shouts at you.

What I had begun to do, though, was to ignore the whisper. God would subtly drop a hint about a thing I should do or not do, say or not say - and although I thought I heard Him, (sometimes I KNEW I heard Him) I was not being obedient. Then the messages came a little louder and closer together. And I was still being stubborn. Then all of a sudden - not really all of a sudden since I'd had so many warning - things came crashing down around me all at once.

I could hear God clear as an October day, "Why are you making me shout? I was really trying not to shout at you." And not only did He shout at me, He was using my children and this man whom I've fallen in love with to do it. My children - literally - shouted. This man who I love makes a practice of not shouting, but he was extremely direct in telling me the things I most needed to hear. He spoke using God's voice.

Well since then, approximately 3 weeks have passed. I've got some clear directives from God about where He wants me to go - places I've wanted to take myself - but now I'm letting God drive. Since I moved over into the passenger seat, I can still see where we're headed, but I'm no longer in control. I go when He says go; stop when He says stop. There are consequences for trying to take the wheel from the driver, and I know that. So, like I tell my daughters - we will ride until the car stops. True-be-told, I like the view from the passenger side and I'm a lot less stressed.